preface to a dating profile turned living autotheory

“The words you speak become the house you live in.” - Hafiz

Hello, featherless bipeds, self sustaining chemical systems capable of darwinian evolution, billions-of-years-old particle-waves of information encoded to assemble in increasingly more complex ways to arrive at a structure that’s capable of consciousness while still embedded within an infinite causal structure as a way for the universe to create and observe un-spontaneous systems within itself.

In our struggle to be known, a photograph tells others nothing of us, which is partly why I have such an aversion to having my picture taken; because when I look at them I don’t see myself, and it doesn’t make sense to me— to post them on a dating profile comprised of little more than a few sentences, or worse, “I’ll fill this in later.” From my perspective, a painting is a more accurate portrait of us than the filtered selfies that we show the world. More accurate still— more honest— is a child’s drawing, but that still doesn’t say what I want to say to you. So, I suppose in a way, this body of work is a written portrait of myself.

More than that, though, before becoming whats now referred to as living autotheory, this began as a simple expansion of my dating profile. Here’s a snippet of original text, as valid now as it was upon inception:

“I understand that some of us savor getting to know a potential partner in person, and the ensuing post-date processing of slow, incremental reveals, but I’ve grown to find it inefficient and exhausting. In a moment, its often difficult to find the right words to express your thoughts, but this allows me to do so in a way that’s just as much an ongoing conversation with myself as it is with you, re-readable and alterable as I learn, grow, and change as a person. It builds the house I live in, makes me want to be a better person for you, and helps me find ways to help others.

So, while this is arguably a skosh excessive, here’s everything that I’d plausibly share with you in the first three months of dating, in an effort to not only avoid redundancy and misspeaking, but to also preemptively lay myself bare and spare us both the heartache of investing ourselves up to the proverbial day 90 when it becomes overwhelmingly apparent that we wish we had known more about each other faster, because the intent was to arrive at year ninety even though we’re already parting ways. See: “talking about talking”

I’m too much, and I’m not enough, but just once before I die I want to talk to someone with the honesty that I do with myself.”

At the time of writing this, the word count is roughly 100,000 give or take a subject— some of which are thoughtfully written, some are more of a stream of consciousness over a couple beers, and some, with apologies, are really more of a placeholder for what I’ll come back to later— all of which are in a constant state of revision as subjects are reconsidered just the same as speaking with me in person would be; so get your reading glasses on ya nerds, or wander around to the subject headings that matter to you most, but keep in mind that some naturally follow or reference others, so you might miss something if you skip ahead.

Using the Flesch-Kincaid readability test, this text is fairly difficult to difficult to read— typical of academic or literary writing. You’ll encounter text that vacillates between memoir, literary sketch, essay, op-ed, philosophical inquiry, and poetic ephemera. All-in, this is best enjoyed over several sessions with space to reflect. For engaged, attentive readers— lifelong learners and curious readers— 14 hours is a solid estimate for read time. In other words, reading this for an hour a day over a couple weeks will approximate the late night conversations that spill into morning— in the early days of getting to know someone.

Despite being open to the world and having evolved into a genre all its own, it still serves— for now— as the dating profile of its original intent, and I make no apology that reading it is the barrier for entry to a first date with me. If you have a comparable request, I’ll blithely meet you there at what promises to be an earnest, informed coming-together of sentient stardust— both temporary & forever.

Content Advisory (18+)

This project contains mature and emotionally intense material intended for adult readers (18 years or older).

It explores themes of:

Mental health, including depression, suicidal ideation, and existential despair
Trauma, grief, and the aftermath of personal and societal harm
Explicit social and political critique, including topics related to gender, race, class, nationalism, capitalism, and religion
Sexuality, identity, and desire, framed with radical honesty
Profanity and graphic language, used purposefully
Philosophical inquiry into mortality, meaning, and truth, often through poetic or nonlinear forms

This work is not designed to comfort or entertain. It asks for emotional presence and critical engagement. Some passages may be challenging, disorienting, or painful—particularly for those navigating mental health issues, unresolved trauma, or existential questions of their own.

Please read slowly, reflectively, and with care. This is not a performance piece. It is a real person’s search for truth and connection, shared in the hope of being met there.

If you are in crisis or need support, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a trusted community resource.